i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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