I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
