You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
