She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
