I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
