I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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