i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
