So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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