I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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