I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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