anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
