I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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