i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
