The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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