ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
