I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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