why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
you will always have a special place in my vag
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
