the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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