Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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