Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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