hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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