I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
wanna go halves on a baby?
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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