i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize