nut hugger
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
