every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
