Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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