i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Randomize
