I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
