mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
