If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
