if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
