No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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