I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
