Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
