In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was born a porn star she said
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
