there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
