sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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