why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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