my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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