There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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