I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
