just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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