I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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