why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize