i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
