Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
