Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
