If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
