So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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