I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
