he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
