If i come over, it means nothing
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
