Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
