didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
