I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
