He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
